So Not Expecting That
by Global Conquest-er
Summary: Not very high quality. I was going to delete it, but it amused me. Vaguely. Summ: Mid-New Moon: Edward leaves, Bella gets preggers, Edward falls in love with someone else, stuff happens, and things sparkle. Parody on other fanfics pre-Breaking Dawn.
1. Agnes, baby! Part one

Ugh

Ugh. I hate, and in this story will be things that I hate, mixed in with a couple of things that keep me from going sane. So, for my benefit, and for your horror, here you are.

Chapter1:

Bella's Point Of View

I was desperate. Seriously, my tears were streaming down my face, with a disgusting add in – mucus. With all of these fluids streaming, I realized that the life I was living was HORRIBLE. My boyfriend, the world's most beautiful thing that God had ever created, had left me. And I had never felt so alone.

Especially because I had a secret that I was not able to tell him once he had left:

I was pregnant.

His child, born of my womb, would grow up without a father. This was the worst thing of all. I could never forget him looking at me, that day in the woods:

"_I don't want you, Bella."_

My child would have no father who LOVED him. Or who LOVED his mother. Not, of course, that I knew that my child would be a "him", it was too early in the pregnancy for that.

But, as I had always thought, this was a HORRIBLE thing. Perhaps I should just give the child away. That would probably be for the best; he (I had decided to call him something other than "it", forgive me if you hate it, please) would not have to grow up knowing how hated he actually was. He would grow up with parents who wanted him; what sort of people who do not want a kid go to an adoption agency? None, obviously.

So, for the next three months, I went to the doctor's, the adoption agency, and ate a lot of vanilla ice-cream.

Edward's Point of View

I was in Denali visiting Tanya's coven, sulking. It had been three months since I had left, and I missed my Bella more than life itself, not that I could remember what life was like, being a member of the undead.

I had not left my room for a long time, but today the family was insistent about leaving for a bit. Something about an extended trip to Europe. But, my eyes could not see what was going on around me, being that they were full of tears, from thinking about my precious Bella.

Two Weeks Later –

We were spending a wonderful time in Italy and I was still sulking, but now it was only to see how long I could keep this up. Seriously, there was such majesty about the place that made me forget totally about Bella, and now, away from the situation, I realized that my own self did not need her to keep me alive. There were other things that I could live for, one of them being beautiful girls.

If you have ever been to Europe, you know how many beautiful girls are there. With their bright eyes, their graceful figures, their skinny selves, and their swaying butts, they struck a cord in me.

I looked them over, knowing that I could get any one of them to do anything for me, the handsome, majestic being with golden eyes.

I chose a beautiful blonde, her –ahem- _chest_ being quite suitable for my desires. She would be perfect for today. I walked over to her, and charmed her out of her wits before she even noticed that I was there.

_So cute_, her thoughts were saying. _Thank God. Mother will be so proud of me._

I wanted to laugh. Yeah, right, mummy will be so proud. If only she knew.

One Week Later –

I had truly found my soul. This time, it was true love. Another vampire, and her beauty was strong enough to knock me off of my feet. In comparison, Bella looked like a cow. Not that she didn't already, seriously, how could I have ever thought that that HUMAN was meant for me?! Ugh.

Her name was Agnes, her figure was AMAZING, her hair a captivating red-blonde, and her eyes were a smoking scarlet. I loved her more than life itself.

Alice's Point of View

Sure, Italy was the MOST amazingly FASHIONABLE place EVER, but, why did everyone have to be so much taller than me?! I wanted to be fashionable too, but, no chance of that if fashionable had to come with long legs.

And Rosalie was having the TIME OF HER LIFE, well, as much life as she could have, being dead and all. She was the embodiment of European beauty. Emmett was having a hard time to keep from killing all of the people looking at her, let alone asking her out and stuff. European men were … odd, to say the least. They asked questions to the point, example: "Will you sleep with me?" and don't seem to even care about their straightforwardness.

Oh well.

I wonder what Bella is doing, and wonder at the same time if I am the only one of us that even think of her anymore. I am pretty sure that Edward is up in his room with Agnes, again.


	2. Agnes, baby! Part two

Disclaimer: I own none of this, I think.

And, I just wanted to let all y'all who reviewed that I love you too, but babies? That's a bit extream, sorry, I'm too young.

Ready for installment 2?

Here it is!

Chapter 2:

Bella's Point of View

The child was kicking in the womb. It hurt like HELL.

_Die!_ I wanted to scream at my abdomen, _Die with as much suffering and pain that you POSSIBLY can!!_

But, as was to be expected, the unborn disgusting ball of goop inside of me was not to be stilled. I wanted a release from this pain, and I wanted it now.

Time to contemplate suicide.

Alice's Point of View:

I was sitting in the front of the car, going somewhere with the family, Edward and Agnes doing something –ahem- interesting that I wanted to know nothing about, in the backseat, when I had a quick succession of visions.

The first one was of Bella, jumping off of a cliff, smiling in the face of her impending doom.

The second was, again, of Bella, sneaking a gun from Charlie's belt on the rack, going to our old house, and shooting herself, dieing with a big smile on her face.

The third was, still, of Bella, going to the doctor's office, getting her stomach checked for something, then jumping in front of the first car that came along, lemme guess, smiling.

_What was with Bella and SMILING?_, was my first thought.

My second thought was _"What is she doing in the visions?"_

The third thought was, after figuring out the obvious, quite obviously _"Why does Bella want to kill herself?" _

And, the noticeable stilling of my brother in the backseat was a perk.

But, that perk was replaced with something that was, quite possibly, worse.

He looked up to the front, yelling.

"What were you THINKING, Alice? Why did you look for her?! I told you to leave her alone!!"

His words stung me with as much force as a semi-truck would hit a human.

Luckily, my beautiful Jasper was sitting by my side. He turned and glared at Edward, his lips curling into a snarl as his eyes hit Edward's angry form.

Edward's angry eyes still rested on me though. And, he asked me _why_, once again.

I looked at him with a defensive anger.

"I DIDN'T look for her!" I told him. "The visions came on their own! Please, Edward, don't be mad at me for something that I can't control!"

He looked at me, seeming to relax, until _Agnes_ looked at _him_ inquisitively.

"What are you two talking about, muffin?" she asked him, her voice bordering on uninterested. He looked back at her, shocked, and then his face was filled for a moment with a blankness that seemed to emanate from her. As this faded away, he was filled, again, with anger towards me.

But, I didn't make this connection until too late.

"Edward's old girlfriend is planning on killing herself! We have to go stop her!"

She looked him, her eyes glowing a frightening shade of red.

"What! You said that I was your first!"

Edward had to assume the offensive now, trying to release the wrath of his precious girlfriend.

He looked down for a moment, thinking a way out of this, and when he looked up, he seemed ready to answer, his face a careful blank.

"She meant nothing to me, I assure you. Plus, darling, you ARE my first. She never saw THAT side of me! And, this problem will be fixed anyways. She is killing herself, so there will be no distraction from her, if there ever was, which there wasn't," he assured her, but his words shocked me.

"You're not going to let the poor girl kill herself over you, are you, Edward Anthony Mason Cullen?!" My tone was shocked.

But, he just smiled eerily and my heart, if it had been beating, would have stopped in shock of the pure evil written on it.

"She seemed happy enough," he told me, his voice smug. "We wouldn't ruin the desperate choice of a mere human, would we? Especially if she WANTED that choice. Now, Alice, I expected more from you. Shame, shame."

I traded a look of horror with my husband, and then with Esme, but Carlisle seemed okay with Edward's decision; it fit his moral compass. Carlisle looked at me, his expression severe.

"I would expect more from you too, Alice. She WAS your friend!" he told me, and I felt my expression grow slack, the confusion and horror thudding through my veins in place of the blood that I did not have. My face, however, was hard. It showed no real emotion, for which I was glad.

I blocked my thoughts by singing the saddest song I could.

But, in my mind, I was having another vision. This one was of me, Jasper, Esme and Emmett in a room, plotting to save Bella as soon as we could.

* * *

Hey guys! Just wanted to let you know that I decided to give this some plot to make it smell less like crap. So, even though the plot is bad, it could be worse (and, yo, it's not my fault. This is serioulsy what some folk write!)


	3. Agnes, baby! Part three

Disclaimer: Not mine, except for Agens, and belive me when I say I wish I didn't.

If you do not want to read my author's note, please skip the following paragraph.

And, some people are all like: "Yo, this was INTERESTING, but I think I'm gonna stop now." And, I just wanted to applaud them. Good idea, guys. This story DOES stink. But, as I said: NOT MY FAULT, as I have taken a pledge to write a fanfic with things that I hate about many of the recent fanfics being in it, this is the byproduct of it! (Yay!, Just kidding. This is only slightly fun, and that comes from imagining the faces of people who are all like: "But this is like MY story!") Believe me when I say that if you DO have a fanfic with one or more of these elements, I DO like some of the stuff in here. Not all of it drives me INSANE, but, again, I am not making fun of your PERSONAL story, I am making fun of the general idea. And, by the way, I made sure that the elements that I am mocking showed up in at least six of the fanfics I have read. And, seriously, guys, if you might write a fanfic in the future, the PREGNANCY theme is getting OLD.

Chapter 3:

Bella's Point of View

I was tired of living, and my soul yearned for release. I was never more ready to fall asleep permanently. So, I made plans. What was I to do? I decided to do the easy thing.

I would jump off of a cliff, and release would be there as soon as I sank to the bottom, never to surface alive again.

But, no, how would that work? I would be found eventually, and I was sure that Charlie would not like to see that sight, knowing that he could have stopped me if he had known.

So, instead, I would take Charlie's gun from his belt, late at night. I would sneak out and go to the house in which I had so many wonderful memories, and shoot myself. My body would probably not be found for a very long time, being that no one lived nearby enough to notice the smell, and I made it a point for Charlie to know that I would never go there again.

But, it would be obvious, and Charlie would find me sooner or later, probably later than sooner. He would find my body in a pool of its blood, animals eating from my remains. The sight was very likely to drive him insane.

So, that option was out. What was I to do?

And, I realized that I would never be quite able to die in peace without taking one last look at my unborn child. So, I would, as one of the last things that I would do, go to the doctor's office. I would get a sonogram done, and I would step into the line of traffic once it was done. This seemed the easiest thing to do, and I would have to be comfortable with it.

So, my mind made up, I would wait for a week or so before I went, so that I would have time to make plans.

Alice's Point of View

Later that night, we, being me, Esme, Emmett, and, of course, Jasper, joined together in our hotel room. The most obviously missing faces were Carlisle, Rosalie, and the "lovely couple" whom all of us hated by now.

The only reason that Rosalie wasn't here was NOT that she didn't like Bella. She, let's face it, hated her for not wanting to live, and DID wish to save her from her destructive self, if only to make sure that a perfectly good life was not wasted, but, we did not want suspicion cast on our party. So we had her hang out with the others, so that there was none.

We planned on leaving right away. However, Esme would be missed by Carlisle, so, it was decided that she stay behind as well. Nevertheless, the rest of us would go. "Operation Saving Bella" was about to commence.

We bought our plane-tickets and waited for the longest 20 minuets of our non-lives to board the plane. Even Jasper's calming influence was not helping all that much.

To amuse myself, I played the "looking for Bella game", one that I had not been allowed to play in a very long time. Now I was involved with her EVERY decision. I am not sure how many times she would choose to brush her teeth, then, when she was in the bathroom with the brush in hand, decide not to do so. That girl had one of the BORINGEST lives imaginable!

Finally, when it seemed that she would NEVER make up her mind, she took a long look at the toothbrush and shoved it into her mouth. _Yay!_ I wanted to shout, _finally!_ But, she would not hear me, so the glee that I found in this was unnoticed, except for Jasper, who was sitting right next to me.

He looked at me questioningly and I shrugged, knowing that he thought the glee was for her un-deciding her death. But, I quickly was calm again and my answer was a quick grin, an almost imperceptible shake of my head, and the words "She decided to brush her teeth."

He looked at me oddly, then returned to his people-watching game, not quite sure to do with my oddness.

Then, as she finished with her teeth, a new decision was made. She decided to go to the store, to get, well, even I am not quite sure what. But, still, it was shopping, so I settled in to watch.

Mike's Point of View

I was in the grocery store, minding my own business, when I saw BELLA walking into the store. I was shocked, but happily so. She had been very withdrawn at school lately, and I was not sure if she was alright.

"Hey, Bells!" I said to her, as soon as I was in hearing range. And, I was also able to do a once-over across her body.

She was wearing baggy clothing, as she has been doing a lot lately, and she seemed to have packed on a little bit more weight. But, nothing much. She was chubby, that's all. She must have been using different eating habits since the Cullens left.

If I was going to do this right, I was going to have to go all in.

"Bella, I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me?"

There, now she had to answer, and, devilishly handsome that I am, I was sure of her answer.

Bella's Point of View, again

Mike was there in the store. I was starting to regret going on this errand.

Like I thought, he tried for my attention once he noticed that I was there.

I had grabbed a cart, but it was getting hard to push, being that my arms had to stretch all of the way out to reach the bar because my stomach was so large. I barely fit anymore, and was wondering if THIS was a bad idea too.

But, his next words had me turning around in a sudden arch, they were so surprising.

"Bella, I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me?"

He was SO STUPID if he couldn't notice the bulge under my shirt that was the size of TEXAS!

Seriously, he WAS staring, but not at my stomach. He was staring at my enlarged chest, another horrible byproduct of this horrible pregnancy.

His eyes were enraptured, a worshipping thing, looking down underneath my face.

But, I was in no mood to continue with this. So, I did the only thing that I could do, to distract him.

I mentioned his grandmother.

"Hey, Mike, is that your GRANDMOTHER over there looking at the feminine hygiene products? I would have thought that she was a little bit to old for that sort of stuff."

And, the thing is, I wasn't even lying. His grandmother WAS in that aisle, stroking the dratted things with a touch that seemed almost loving. And, when Mike turned around to see, I was out of there like a shot. That was an experience that I was not wishing to re-do. I got in my truck, barely fitting behind the wheel, and sped out of there.

Alice's Point of View

What was Bella DOING, developing a sense of humor without me there?! And, what was with the extra couple of pounds on her body? She never struck me as the sort of person who would over-eat, even in times of extreme stress. But, maybe our family's leaving was not very good for her. Oh well. We were going to save her, and that was that.

The plane landed with an almighty crash, and soon we were in a rental car, streaming down the road, on our way to Forks.

Edward's Point of View

I knew that something was up the moment that I noticed that a certain choice members of our family were gone. Not that I noticed all that soon, because me and my perfect Agnes were, for lack of a better word, indisposed.

But, with the hooded thoughts of Esme, I knew that SOMETHING had to be up.

So, I asked her where they were, and even though she was very non-revealing in her words, her thoughts were screaming at me.

_Must protect the others_, they were saying, _must not let Edward know. Must not show Forks in my head, must not think of "Operation Saving Bella"._

The anger that I was feeling was unexplainable. We had left Forks for a reason: To leave Bella behind. She was not supposed to be a part of our lives anymore. They must be stopped.

I looked at the woman who I had once thought of as my mother with rays that would have killed a human seeping through my eyes.

"Of course, Esme. I believe you. There is nothing going on." I told her all of this with a straight face, planning my escape to Forks in my mind as I left.


	4. Agnes, baby, part The END!

Chapter 4:

Authors note:

So, I was reading some HP fanfics, and I found something similar to HATE. I would just like y'all to know that this truly IS my idea, even though that one had been published first. By the by, this is a Twilight fanfic, so it doesn't count, but, if you guys were going to be stupid and tell me that this was NOT my idea, well, I didn't want that. Ok, on that note, I would just like to tell y'all that it was AMAZING and that you should read it. However, I don't remember which one it was, so, happy searchings. Anyways, I was also going to say that it has given me some tips on how to better write this story: I need more sarcasm. Some of you seem to be under the impression that this story is just that: a story. So, I will fix that in my newer chapters by doing, well, see above. For more info, review me and I will try to get to you. Thanks, and, later!!

Bella's Point of View:

So, I was just sitting there, being all "OMG my life is SO boring, stupid, and DEPRESSING without my darling Edward" when I heard a knock on my door.

I was just sitting there though, to tired to get up because, you fools, I'm pregnant. So I didn't get up and move at all.

When I finally got to the door, I open it only to find Charlie, my father. He looked mad, and I was afraid that he had finally learned about my condition. Took him long enough, I've been so big for MONTHS! But, he did something out of the ordinary . . .

But, that was not what he was thinking about doing (repeating things in a boring way is SO fun, dont you agree?)

"Is Bella sick? Why is she always barfing?"

His thoughts came at me like a sack of potatoes. Because, you know, sacks of potatoes always come at people.

This was probably a side-effect of having Edward's child. Oh well. I could hear thoughts, big deal.

"Daddy, I have the flu. Can you take me to the doctor's?"

"Of course darling."

"Good."

"Good."

And so we went. He dropped me off there, because I was having my morning sickness out of the window (no matter that you're only supposed to have morning sickness during the first, like, four weeks, top two months). He didn't come in with me.

So, I was going into the place when I saw Carlisle there. He nodded at me and continued on his rounds at the hospital. "What was with people not being where they were supposed to be?" I wondered. Carlisle was supposed to be in Europe, hating me. But, having an idiot writing this story makes things do odd things, and no one really pays mind to this fact of life.

I went into the doctor's office and I smiled at him, eyes bright behind the mask of tears that blurred my vision. Well then, I was just gonna get a sonogram done and then my plan would be put into action.

It was there that I learned that I would have had sextuplets (six kids at once, get a dictionary kiddy! And, the joke . . . you had SEX so you have SEXtuplets . . .?). Three girls and three boys. They were beautiful and I knew that I wouldn't be having an abortion, I would keep these kids, no matter that my death was planned for the next three minutes.

It was time to get out of there; so I did.

Mike was standing right out of the room there, looking at me in awe. Apparently I was beautiful or something. I didn't remember about the mind-reading thing, which has gotten lost as the story unfolds. Perhaps the author has forgotten; however, even if I tried, I wouldn't be able to, possibly because I never really had it in the first place.

Mike's Point of View:

Bella was the most beautiful thing in the world, ever. I was in awe of her. She was as skinny as ever, a little bit chubby, but, nothing much, nothing unmanageable. She was coming from the maternity ward, but that was a fluke, she must be here for a stupid thing that she's done recently and gotten into a scrape.

I have decided to flirt with her, conveniently forgetting that this story takes place in the past tense than the right-here-and-now. Well, maybe it will work out better for me this way. I would hate to re-live something horrible AFTER it happened, rather than right at the same time.

Alice's Point of View:

Bella was standing there in the parking lot of the hospital (never mind that it had JUST been INSIDE the hospital, authors ARE able to write their own plot. _A/N: Don't mock me, guys! Its not my fault for all of the errors grammatical or the sppellingg ones! I just write the stuff. . . oh, I guess that it DOES mean that I am responsible for them . . . huh_). She grinned as Mike tried to flirt with her . . . I wondered why, she was getting really fat.

Then she turned around, as if to leave him standing there, and was promptly run over by a car.

We were going to be too late.

Edward's Point Of View:

I had surpassed the others, being that I was running and they were not (forget that I went by plane)

I finally got to Forks where I smelled my beautiful Bella's sweet, sweet blood (forgetting once again that I hated her and that I was in love again with a new girl, my perfect Agnes). She was at the hospital. I could only hope that she would take me back.

Carlisle's Point of View:

How did I get over here? And, why do I work at a hospital again? I thought I was on vacation in Europe? Well, perhaps it was a dream . . . wait, that's right, vampires can't sleep. Well then, the author must have thought that they were being smart when they forgot which story they were writing, or even that I was a character. Well, I'm glad that I'm not Agnes at least. I'm sure that she'll be completely forgotten and wink back into non-existence.

And, why did I not realize that Bella was pregnant when I did her sonogram? Again, it must be my wonderful author . . . she is SO smart; this story is GREAT thanks to her.

Edward's Point of View:

I was suddenly in a car, thinking, "Wow, this author really needs help with the plot. I was supposed to be running". But, things were going to fast for me. I wasn't sure what to do, so I went to the hospital to ask Carlisle, even though he should still be in Europe, by the way, how did he get here before me? I ran, and I am supposed to be faster than him . . . something to dwell on before I sleep, I suppose.

So, I was really close to the hospital when a girl jumped into the road in front of me. And, even though I have vampire reflexes and I acted as fast as was possible, I still ran her over. How odd, the smell was driving me insane. It must be Bella. Wait, I RAN OVER BELLA!! THIS IS NOT GOOD!! And it wasn't; she was losing a lot of blood.

I ran out of the car, forgetting how the sun was out and would make me sparkle like a diamond ring, and that they would see me bite her. And, as the flames inside her licked at her mind, she screamed, happy that I had come to find her. Boy was she fat.

Bella's Point of View:

I was a vampire!! Yay!! Edward was back, and I was going to have his babies, never mind that when a pregnant woman is turned, she stays that way. Forever. They kicked at my insides, and I smiled happily. Even though I had just wanted to kill myself, I was so happy at having been saved. Edward kissed me again, never mind that he was not here to begin with, and I felt a spasm of love.

But, then, I was afraid. It was time to tell him, and then, Charlie.

Edward's Point of View:

I was so excited. I was going to have kids. It was my dream; it had been for a while, never mind that I had never thought of the concept before. I pulled Bella to the floor and made passionate love to her, right then and there (wherever we were, it hasn't been specified) for the first time ever. In either of our lives. Even though I had done a ton of different things with Agnes, who is not, and has not ever been, in existence.

It was time to tell Charlie; this was going to be fun. And I was going to be a father.

Charlie's Point of View:

First of all, I cant believe that I haven't really been a big participant in this story, after all, Bella is my daughter. And then I would like to say that I am gay and I love Edward too. Ok, that's all for now.

Bella's Point of View:

We told Charlie and he yelled at first, then he was happy. He was, and Edward was too, surprised at how pregnant I was. I was going to have my kids in about a week. Charlie has always wanted to be a grandpa. We are all going to be a big, happy family.

Rosalie's Point of View:

I am so pretty and cool. I deserve to be worshipped.

Emmett's Point of View:

Rosalie is so pretty and cool. She deserves to be worshipped.

Alice's Point of View:

I SO wish that I didn't know what Rose (because what sort of fanfic is it if someone doesn't call her Rose?) and Emmett were doing.

Agnes's Point of View:

I don't like not existing. Why did my precious Edward forget me? I was his soul-mate?!

Esme's Point of View:

I am so :blubbers: happy. I just wish that my face wasn't so red (no matter that it CANT have been) and that I could stop crying (no matter that THAT cant happen either).

Jasper's Point of View:

Seriously, this story is MESSED UP. I wish it was OVER.

GC's Point of view:

I WAS going to make this an alphabetical series, but I HATE it, so this will have been it. Hope you, my dear reader, have hated it too. Laters!


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